Where do I start? My first thought when someone asks what’s wrong with me! Maybe other dwellers think that, too. Especially if they have multiple issues or a difficult-to-describe rare condition. It's not that I don't want to explain; I just don't know what to say.
The desire to be understood is a deep need within a person’s soul. Empathetic compassion enables the sufferer to feel a sense of worth: they merit being cared about.
She stood up!?
Your wheelchair awaits
A humorous incident occurred some years ago. I used my wheelchair for energy conservation and a comfortable place to sit at meetings. I could still get up and walk very short distances.
Joe and I attended a Pastors/Wives conference at Shiloh Inn. One day, Joe pushed me in my chair to attend a break-out session for wives. Afterward, I stood up to walk across the room to visit with a friend. The leader, who had noticed me in my chair, raised her hands and said, “Hallelujah! We’ve seen a miracle today, and we didn’t even ask!” Of course, she was kidding but naturally she was surprised to see a woman she thought paralyzed stand up and walk!
However, some people that do know me still assume I’m improving when I get out of my scooter and walk around. I interpret that to mean they don't truly understand, even though I have told them repeatedly.
Dweller, have you had similar problems?
Observer, have you taken the time and made the effort to try to understand your friend?
Every person has a basic emotional need to be understood. Meeting this need provides comfort to the person and validates their worth. Knowing we are understood and accepted, we dwellers find it easier to live our lives. Understanding improves friendships and relationships.
So, how do you go about understanding inexplicable difficulties?
Steps to understanding
Ask
Use caution in approaching your friend. Evaluate the level of relationship first. An acquaintance? Just a generic, generalization, if anything. A casual friend? A good friend? An extended family member? Ask appropriate questions. A spouse? Hopefully, you already understand.
Maybe he won't want to talk about it. Respect his wishes and just be his friend. Maybe she has been asked before in a demeaning manner. So, be careful how you word it and what tone you use. Finally, earn your right to ask. Know the person.
Research
If you know the name of the condition, use a reputable internet site to find out what it is and what the symptoms might be. Good sites include WebMD, Mayo Clinic, government health sites, and dedicated sites.
If you have a close relationship, ask where you can get more info. Consider attending a support group, if appropriate. If you are really close, think about going to a doctor's appointment--if the person is open to that.
Spend time
If the dweller is a good friend or family member, spend time with him on his terms to see what his life is like. If she is willing and able, ask her if she would like to receive phone calls, emails, visits at home, or even take her somewhere.
Offer help
Be specific. Don't just say, "Call me if you need me." Think about that a moment. If you depended on others for ongoing help, how would you feel about always having to ask?
A better solution is to ask, "Do you need a ride to the grocery store? Do you need help reaching things from shelves?" Or, "Can I watch your kids while you and your spouse have a short time out?" Maybe, "Can I bring dinner over? What night would be best?"
Applying these suggestions
I hope these suggestions will help you as you strive to understand your friend or family member. This understanding will enrich your relationships. Knowing you care so much will encourage your friends and help them know they have worth as a person.
