Ever wondered what to say to your chronically ill friend? Ever wondered why they seemed upset at something you meant kindly? Satisfying conversation with invisibly disabled people is possible. But misunderstandings can occur. Consider what your words mean to them.
As sixteen-year-old Paul pushed his mother, Celeste, into the Worship Center, a few people said, “Hi, how are ya?” and moved on to speak to other people. After parking her in their usual out-of-people’s-way place, Paul left to join his friends. Her husband, Walter, was busy meeting friends and greeting visitors. Celeste looked around at all the people and wondered why so few noticed her – after all, how can you miss a wheelchair? She wondered, “Do they even care?”
What do you think about Celeste’s loneliness? Would a “Hi, how are ya?” and waiting for an answer then engaging with her have helped?
In some ways interacting with people having hidden disabilities is like interacting with non-disabled people. After all, people are people and have similar needs. But when you add in their challenging life experiences, the situation becomes complicated. It’s worth spending some time thinking about what you say and how it might perceived by your friend. We'll consider just four common sayings.
Is this a conversation starter?
Or just a social convenience?
“Hi! How are ya?”
- Do you really mean those words?
- Or are you on the run, just saying it as you rush past?
- Are you guilty of “Hi” and run?
- Is it just a greeting while you walk on past?
If so, the person likely hears,
- “You’re really not important.”
- “Your problems don’t matter – maybe they’re not even real.”
Better alternatives:
- Attentively listen to her answer.
- Make time to visit with him later.
“Just call if you need something.”
What’s wrong with this? We all say it and mean it, but it’s too vague. The person has to take the initiative to ask for specific assistance. When people have ongoing needs, they often get tired of asking for help.
Think about it: would you call?
Instead, be observant or use your imagination to envision specific actions that would be helpful for your friend.
- Does he need a ride?
- Would it be helpful to offer to sweep her floors so she will have strength to fix dinner?
- Do they need childcare, so they can see the doctor together?
- Can you take her shopping so he doesn’t have to after he has worked all day?
“Oh yeah, I know how you feel.”
We humans are prone to want to share how we feel. We hear him say, “My back hurts,” and immediately we are reminded of our own backache.
- But beware on this one: your similar pain may be from a totally different cause.
- Yours may have an ending in sight while hers will last a lifetime.
- You likely do not know how he feels.
- She may be making herself vulnerable by sharing personal information with you.
- Or he may just be wanting you to know what he deals with daily.
- When she shares her pain, accept it as an honor that she trusts you. If appropriate, ask for more information; if not, just acknowledge her pain – and move on with the conversation and enjoy a deeper relationship.
“Just have enough faith and everything will work out.”
If you believe in God, you may have heard – or said – this. But there is often no correlation between faith and good things happening. Since there isn’t, it doesn’t apply to a person enduring continuing physical challenges and can be perceived as judgmental. As a favorite author, Patricia Rushford, says in her novel Red Sky In Mourning, “having faith doesn’t always keep tragedies from happening, but it does make us strong enough to overcome them.”*
In most circumstances, avoid this saying. Only if the person is an intimate friend and you know the situation thoroughly should you even consider saying this.
Summing up . . .
Personalize social interactions.
- Be sensitive to your friend.
- Respect her.
- Think about the life he lives.
- Listen to what she says.
- Ask him for further clarification when necessary.
Remember, as Shawn Henry observes in her book, “The most important thing to know when interacting with people with disabilities is that they are people. And just like all people, they are very different.”**
