Your invisibly disabled friends may be asking this question of you. But what does making friends with invisibly disabled people entail? First, it is remarkably like making friends with others. Second, it does have extra challenges.
Before we proceed, let’s review two basic terms used on this website. Dwellers are people who live in storms of chronic illness and invisible disability. Observers are those who live outside the storms yet can see the people within. This writing is specifically for observers, so you can understand more of how we live and what our needs are.
In practical terms, what is involved with friendship will vary according to the disability. A visually impaired person’s needs differ from a neurologically impaired individual, thus impacting what that relationship looks like.
Several years ago, Joe and I camped near a town where we used to live. We met friends for lunch. So far, so good. I enjoyed myself so much I forgot to monitor my strength. Standing up following our meal, I discovered my fatigue level was intense, preventing me from walking unaided.
Wes and Bonnie, our friends, noticed my problem and helped me to their car. My fatigue was still extreme when we arrived at their house where our truck was parked. Any thought of returning to our trailer was unpalatable. Our friends realized that and invited us inside for a while. That “while” turned into an evening meal with even more friends. Wes and Bonnie opened their house to us until I could rest enough to restore my strength.
What an example of friendship that was! Observer, did you notice the extra care our friends took? They observed and noticed I didn’t look or act right and offered a solution.
That’s one component of what making friends with invisibly disabled people involves. Those are things most anyone can do. So, if you can notice needs and provide solutions, you can be a friend.
Now, we will look at specifics to consider. Just remember, the principles of friendship with anyone also applies to us.
Notice me
- Most importantly, you have to see me. You must know I exist.
- Many years ago, I still used a wheelchair. When I went to church, I felt invisible. Now, really, how can you not see someone in a wheelchair?
- Look around you at work, school, church, or other organizations and notice the people around you.
- Does someone sit while others stand?
- Do you talk to a person, and they don’t answer?
- Does a coworker miss a lot of work?
- Is a man or woman always tired?
- These people may – or may not – have a chronic illness that you can’t see.
Get to know me
- Okay, you saw me, and you think we might have enough in common to be friends. Now, what?
- After becoming acquainted as with anyone, you need to somehow find out about me.
- This takes extra care.
- I may not want anyone to know about my condition.
- I may not care if others know, but I may not want to talk about it.
- On the other hand, I may be talkative ad nauseam.
- When beginning a relationship, it may be wise to just observe the person for a while.
- Then, when you are both comfortable, you might begin to cautiously find out about your new friend’s problems.
- Once you know that, you may want to research it.
- That way, you can understand better what their life is like and begin to know what needs they have and where you can help.
Be flexible
- Above all, be open to change.
- Your new friend may have to cancel plans at the last moment.
- Needs can change momentarily.
- Be aware your new friend may not be able to be spontaneous. Their activities may need to be preplanned.
Closing thoughts
Since many invisibly disabled people lead isolated lives, friendships that work within the confines of their challenges will enrich their lives. And don’t forget about the caregivers. They need friends too.
Observer, if you take the time to seek us out and be in a relationship with us, you may discover a deep and rich friendship. As in the friendship Joe and I have with Wes and Bonnie.
Dwellers, can you share with us about your relationships with observers?
Investigate Further
Check this out for more ideas about how an observer can be a friend.
These tips are for the chronically ill person, but they provide glimpses of our lives so an observer can better understand how hard it can be for us.
See other posts by me about friendships.
