Family relationships with the chronically ill can pose challenges, both for the ill person and their family. Today, we will examine problems along with ideas for solutions.
Immediate family includes spouses and children, but not everyone has one of these. However, nearly all people have an extended family. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
A doctor shared insights with Katrina about extended family relationships with the chronically ill. Katrina was upset because her in-laws refused to acknowledge or accept her limitations as real. Her doctor asked about other relationships. “Does your husband believe and support?” She answered yes. “What about your children?” Katrina nodded yes. “How do your friends feel?” Again, she indicated some of them also supported her. Then the doctor observed, “Well, you are ahead of the game. For a high number of chronically ill people, only one person, or maybe no one, accepts the reality of their disorders.”
Are you one of the fortunate ones who have significant support from immediate family? However, possibly your extended family is like Katrina’s
Or are you one still wanting acceptance, especially from extended family?
Using Katrina’s experiences, we will consider five areas which we could use to improve our relationships. Unfortunately, though, sometimes nothing we can do will help, and we must accept the situation and move on.
Ask questions
- Seek to discern their level of understanding of your problems.
- Ask what they know.
- Listen to their answers and learn from them.
This may not work, depending on your prior relationship with them or on their level of compassion. Katrina found out her in-laws didn’t know nor care about her condition.
Listen
- Develop this skill for all situations.
- Listen to what interests them.
- See if you can tie into their activities.
- Can you find any connection between what you can do and their passions?
Katrina hurt too much to even try to listen.
Use humor
- This is always an excellent skill to use in demanding situations.
- Can you turn a specific instance of lack of care into a joke, even at your expense?
- Is it possible to find something humorous in the general situation?
Humor wasn’t Katrina’s strength. She did not appreciate her in-laws use of put-down humor and did not consider ways to use good humor.
Understand their emotions
- What emotions are they currently experiencing?
- Do any of those pertain to your problems?
- Are they experiencing anger, frustration, helplessness, stress, or worry?
- Do any of those pertain to your problems?
- In general, where are they emotionally in their lives?
Katrina would have profited by putting these ideas into practice. Again, she hurt too much to try even if she had thought about their emotions.
Accept the situation
- Bottom line: you may not be able to effect any change. In that case, you may need to recognize they will never accept your limitations. You may wish to treat them as you want to be treated. Love them anyway. Easier said than done.
That’s what Katrina had to do. She had to recognize they wouldn’t believe her, no matter what she did or said. So, to preserve decent relationships, Katrina had to overlook their rudeness and accept them as she wished to be accepted. She had to be content with her loving husband and children and supportive friends.
The ending
There is a good ending to Katrina’s story. Eventually, they acknowledged her limitations were real.
I hope that, as a chronically ill person, you can develop good relationships with your extended family. And faster than Katrina did.
We would love to read suggestions you have for communicating with extended family.
Investigate Further
Especially for Observers, “Ways to Talk” presents ideas about talking with your chronically ill family members.
This excellent article speaks about how chronic illness impacts extended family.
Programming Note:
August starts the new schedule for Navigating the Storms. I will post on the first, third, and fifth Fridays. My life has become more complicated, and I no longer have the time/energy to post every week.
