“Beneath the Surface” by Kristi Hugstad – An Excerpt

Check out this book

By

Kristi Hugstad

Reaching Out: Helping a Friend

An excerpt from Beneath the Surface by Kristi Hugstad

Ever since author Kristi Hugstad’s husband, after years of struggling with clinical depression, completed suicide in 2012 by running in front of a train, she has dedicated her life to helping to abolish the stigma of mental illness and suicide.

That mission is what inspired her to write Beneath the Surface:A Teen’s Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend Is in Crisis(New World Library, September 10, 2019), which speaks candidly to today’s youth — and the parents, teachers, and coaches who love them — about the anxiety, depression, and suicide attempts that far too often accompany the unique challenges that face their generation. We hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt from the book.

# # #

If you recognize that someone you love might be drowning beneath the surface, the question becomes: How can you help? Of course, every situation is different, so evaluate the best approach for yourself. However, the essence of helping others is simple: Reach out and listen, be compassionate, and get assistance as necessary.

Reach Out and Listen

If a friend or loved one seems depressed, or has shown warning signs of suicidal thoughts, the first and most important thing is to start a conversation and ask them what’s going on. Don’t assume you know what the problem is. Instead, ask them to share what’s happening beneath the surface. In whatever way is appropriate for your relationship, do the following:

• Let them know you care.
• Ask if they’re having problems and what they are.
• Listen to what they say.
• Offer sympathy, reassurance, and kindness.
• Tell them you are on their side.
• Ask them how you can help.

If someone doesn’t want to talk about their problems, respect their privacy, but continue to reach out in friendly ways. In fact, text messages and social media can actually be a great tool for staying connected to someone who resists sharing or who isn’t around to talk with in person. Sometimes, a little note of love and understanding sent in a simple text can go a long way.

Other strategies for reaching out include inviting the person to join you in daily activities or asking if you can join them in something they do. Then simply be supportive, and with your presence let them know that you care and they are not alone.

Express Compassion and Understanding

When someone shares their problems and struggles with you, the most important response is compassion and understanding. You don’t need to solve their problems or have all the answers. You might even know what to say. That’s okay. Sometimes it’s hard to put feelings and thoughts into words. Here are some examples of the kinds of caring comments that can help someone going through a rough time. Feel free to rephrase these in your own way:

• I’m always here for you, even when times are bad. I love you for who you are.
• I’m on your side. We’re a team.
• You are important to me.
• I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I want to help in any way I can.
• You are not alone.
• You are a sensitive person and care so much for others.

When communicating with texts, it’s common to add positive emojis or emoticons to convey emotion or to reinforce your words. But don’t rely on pictures to get your point across. Be sure to also actually say or write what you mean.

Resist Judgment, Anger, and Frustration

It’s not easy to talk to someone about depression, addiction, suicide, and other issues. Just the fact that someone is willing to talk is huge. It means they feel safe enough to share things that might be embarrassing or shameful, such as mistakes they’ve made and bad things they’ve done (to themselves or others). In this situation, it can be natural to feel frustrated or even angry at someone — perhaps even for not sharing their problems sooner. Someone’s problems might feel overwhelming and scary, or you might think the person is overreacting. Or you may feel that, despite claiming otherwise, someone isn’t being completely honest, that they are hiding or lying and refusing to admit the whole truth.

If this happens, resist the urge to judge someone or dismiss their feelings. Try not to express anger or frustration. Indeed, some reactions sound like they are trying to be helpful, but they are really ways to push someone away or invalidate their issues or feelings.

 Get Help

Reaching out and talking to someone who’s struggling or having suicidal thoughts might literally be a lifesaving conversation. But what about tomorrow? And the next day? If you know or suspect someone is at risk for suicide and needs help, tell someone. Get help. Now is not the time to keep secrets; your friend’s life is far too valuable.

However, while I always encourage teens to talk to someone if they or a friend is at risk, I also understand that this “simple” piece of advice can be extremely complicated, depending on the situation. For example, a friend might confide in you and ask you to promise not to tell anyone or not to tell certain people. They trust you to keep their secrets, and if you tell others, it may feel like a betrayal.

Every situation and friendship is unique, so there isn’t one right answer to this problem. I frequently advise teens to ask themselves whether breaking a friend’s trust will get the person the genuine help they need. If the answer is a clear yes, then do what’s necessary to get that help. One situation when you should never hesitate to reach out is if someone threatens suicide and you fear they may be in immediate danger. In that situation, you should always call 911.

In situations where there is no immediate risk of harm, consider the pros and cons of all the people you might approach and choose the best ones. The friend’s parents are sometimes the best, most obvious choice — unless the friend has a troubled relationship with them, and you think telling your friend’s parents could exacerbate problems. Most of the time, speaking with your parents, or a trusted relative, can be a good first choice. They might help you get clarity and guidance on what to do for your friend, and just as importantly, they can give you the support you need, since helping a friend in trouble can be confusing, difficult, scary, and painful.

You also probably know other adults whom you trust. This could be a teacher, counselor, clergy member, coach, or family friend. It might feel safest to talk to someone who doesn’t know your friend, someone outside the situation, who might have a more objective perspective and can help guide you to find resources, and so on.

Helping a friend in crisis can be really tough. They may feel alone, and you may feel alone trying to help them. Neither of you may feel safe talking to or trusting any adult you know. In that situation, call one of the national helplines listed in the resources. Text them and visit their websites. These are free and confidential, and they are staffed by qualified professionals whose job is to help people in crisis, especially when they feel they have nowhere else to turn. These professionals are trained to intervene when callers threaten to harm themselves or others (by contacting the appropriate emergency response personnel), but their main goal is to listen and provide people with the guidance they need.

The bottom line is that there is always someone you can reach out to for help, even when it feels like there isn’t.

# # #

 Kristi Hugstad is the author of Beneath the Surface: A Teen’s Guide to Reaching Out when You or Your Friend Is in Crisis. Ever since her husband completed suicide in 2012, after years of struggling with clinical depression, by running in front of a train, she has dedicated her life to helping to abolish the stigma of mental illness and suicide. A certified grief recovery specialist, Kristi frequently speaks at high schools. Visit her online at https://www.thegriefgirl.com.

Excerpted from the book Beneath the Surface. Copyright ©2019 by Kristi Hugstad. Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com.