Relationships invisibly disabled people enjoy are enriched -- or otherwise -- by words people say.
Imagine yourself in this scenario: You’ve had some unusual, or downright strange, symptoms for 5 years now. They come and go, but they never stay away. Your doctor finally found a name for it, but there is no cure. They affect every aspect of your life, so that you can no longer do what you used to - or what others expect. Even worse, you look just fine.
With this in mind, listen to what friends or family might say to you and imagine how you’d feel.
Below are some of the sayings from the video followed by things I wish I could answer.
Activity and social situations
- It must be nice to just lay around and not have to go work.
- You know, I’d really rather go to work.
- It is great to see you out. You must be feeling 10 times better.
- Just getting doesn’t mean I’m better. Even if I am, it won’t be permanent.
- You always cancel on me. It's like you WANT to be sick.
- Duh!
- Dude, don't be a wimp. Be a man and help me move this weekend. I promise to let you carry the little boxes.
- Carrying those little boxes will cause injuries that take weeks to heal.
- You've changed. You know, I miss the old you. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you used to be a lot more fun to hang out with.
- Don’t you think I miss the old me, too?
- You're cancelling? You felt good enough to go to the store yesterday.
- That’s the nature of the beast – changeable.
Advice and Comments
- I know it's kind of a personal thing but have you thought about losing some weight?
- I’ve tried, but it’s very difficult because my disease doesn’t allow me to exercise.
- Or maybe: My medicine’s causing weight gain.
- You're depressed. You need to get out of the house more.
- That won’t help. I’ve tried it. I’m not depressed.
- Everything is going to be fine. You are just a worrier and it is making your body rebel.
- You don’t know my life!
Appearance
- You look fine.
- Looks do not correlate to how your body works. You only see me on my better days anyway.
Attitude
- I'm really worried about you. I wonder if you are identifying too much with this disease.
- Like I have a choice?
- Fight this! You are just giving in and accepting it, so now you will never get better.
- You don’t think I’ve tried???
- Well, if you don't want to try my suggestion, you must not really want to get well. If I was that sick, I would try anything.
- You’re judging me? Trying living like I do first.
People with what are called invisible disabilities face situations like this everyday. Think about your words, and how they are perceived by the dweller. But, please, don’t avoid dwellers because you don’t know what to say. They know that you probably mean well and even that you may care for them, so take your time to form relationships. Have an honest conversation with your family member or friend (if the relationship is close enough) about how they feel and what they’d like to hear from you.
Bottom line:
- Listen to your friend or family member
- Believe what they say (unless you have very compelling evidence otherwise)
- Think about what they’ve been through
- Try to figure out how they perceive your words
Then speak accordingly.
Your Turn
What do you think about any of these sayings? What other sayings have you heard used?
The posts 4 Things We All Say: But What Is the Listener Hearing and When a Friend Has a Chronic Illness: What to Say, How to Help as well as the page Relational Issues contain more thoughts about relationships with invisibly disabled persons.
Check out Lisa Copen's article.
This YouTube video has an attached transcript if you’d like to study what the people are saying. Click on “more” at the bottom of the screen.
Use the Contact Form if you have questions about why any of these sayings might be upsetting to your friend.
