Pull Back the Storm: Comfort Your Friend

When your friend lives in storms, his life is difficult even when he’s successfully navigating them. But, sometimes storms hit harder, and things get tougher. And you can help pull back the storm—with comfort. However, there are wrong and right—and even better—ways to comfort.

I remember two days early in my storms when I visited one friend each day. Both lived within walking distance. One day I was feeling happy and turned right to see Mary. By the end of that visit, I had become depressed and the next day my mood was still down. That day, I turned left to see Celeste. I returned home in a happy frame of mind. What made the difference? Mary talked about negative things while Celeste focused on the positive. Both Mary and Celeste were experiencing their own storms, but one faced hers pessimistically and the other optimistically. And each one’s response affected me differently.

 This real-life example illustrates how the type of comfort you offer can impact your friend.

 If you want to help your friend, look through the following suggestions. Spend some time figuring out what might work in your friend’s specific situation. And realize that the suffering of the invisibly disabled differs because it’s ongoing and unlikely to end, so alter your comfort accordingly.

The following ideas come from Job’s experiences. Job, of the Bible’s Old Testament, lived in pre-Israel history. He suffered more intensely than most of us can imagine. At the time of the story, he didn’t know the reasons for his suffering; he only knew it wasn’t his fault. He has 3 friends who “comfort” him.

 Wrong, right, and better ways to comfort

#1 Action to take

• Just BE with your friend.
  • No talking needed

 Attempted ways of comforting that backfire

• Speak from experience
  • “I know how to do this.”
  • “According to what I’ve seen … .”
  • “This must be what’s wrong because … .”
• Speak according to tradition
  • “Well, this is how suffering has always been handled.”
• Speak in his face
  • “I have this gut feeling.”
  • “Intuition tells me … .”
• Speak, denying what might happen.
  • “You aren’t going to die.”
• Speak as a visionary.
  • “God told me there will be a supernatural healing.”

 Ideas to be an effective comforter

• Show up! (See #1 above)
  • Oftentimes, not many words are needed; sometimes, not any.
• Try a hug, or other touch, as appropriate.
• Cry with him, if needed.
• Imagine how your friend feels. Express empathy.
• Try not to react to unpleasant looks or smells.
• Use the truth, but be sure it’s really the truth not just your idea of the truth.
• Cut him some slack.
• If you are a person who prays, offer prayer. But, ask you friend what kind of prayer he wants.

Remember:

• Don’t play God.
• Don’t be a doctor and diagnose.

Summing up

Sometimes we don’t need practical helps. We just need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, or a safe place to cry. Someone to just silently sit with us. A person who isn’t judging us. A friend who understands—even when the problems defy understanding. At least, be the friend who believes and accepts we are hurting.