“I love me” sounds kind of selfish, doesn’t it? It may be, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be something else. Self-compassion. A necessary element, especially for the chronically ill. Self-compassion by invisibly disabled people is critical.
The technical definition
Self-compassion is the extension of kindness, care, warmth, and understanding (instead of beratement and criticism) toward oneself when faced with shortcomings, inadequacies, or failures.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Actually, this post builds on ideas presented in last week’s “The Staredown.”
My biggest “I don’t love me” moments
I catch myself getting extremely upset with myself when I forget to do something important. Too often, I trash talk myself.
Other times that cause upset occur when I know a word but I cannot “find” it, coming to an absolute standstill in conversation.
So how do I react? Not very well. When these happened only occasionally, as with many people, I could shrug and laugh it off. But now, I (wrongly) beat myself up. “Stupid.” “How can you be so dumb?” “You idiot.” And so on.
The big question
Would I say those words to another person having that problem? No!
Your “I don’t love me” moments may stem from different causes. But I bet you have times when you berate or criticize yourself. As people living with invisible disabilities, we have many difficult days. And during those times, we frequently sink to “I don’t love me” moments.
So, now what?
Is it possible to cut ourselves slack? How can we do it?
Changing “I don’t love me” to “I love me”
Practical methods
- Keep in mind that you would not speak to another person in that manner.
- Seek to understand why you reacted like that.
- Write or update a to-do list if the problem is memory-related.
- Then remember to look at it!
Emotional approaches
- Try to calm down.
- Be kind to yourself.
- Show compassion to yourself.
Spiritual suggestions
- Respond with praise to God for who He is.
- Think of a favorite Bible verse.
- Start singing a special song.
What to do when “I love me” fails
- Don’t criticize, berate, belittle, or otherwise put yourself down.
- Evaluate why you responded that way.
Plan ahead for the next time.
- Spend some time thinking of good responses.
- Write them down.
- Role-play situations that you know recur, by using positive feedback.
Summing up
Now we have seen strategies that can work if we apply them. And there is the rub! At the time I am upset, it can be very difficult to remember these things. But I am working on it. For me, I need to remember I would never speak to another person in that manner. That might be the foremost plan of action. For then my mind is freed to remember other approaches.
May your “I don’t love me” times decrease as your “I love me” times increase!
Till next time, Connected Carole
We’d like your input
What do you do to cope on “I don’t love me” days?
Learning More
See “The Staredown,” last week’s post for more ideas.
Check out “What is Self-Compassion?” to learn more.
Good Therapy explores self-compassion and whether it is selfishness.
PS. Judging from all my self-trash-talking the last couple days, I think I need to re-read and apply this post to myself! Especially the first, understanding why I keep doing it, and the last, spending some precious time figuring out strategies to employ in the future. Have a great day, everybody. — Connected Carole
I took it to neurology and asked why I can’t remember things. He said that memory is a really complicated thing. When you have a lot going on in your body you memoryoften does not get a turn because too much other stuff is going on. Your memory gets shoved out of place is how I see it. So if there is too much pain or too many difficulties you may not remember tasks that seem totally simple.
I love that! “memory doesn’t get a turn.” That explains a lot.
Thank you for sharing. You mention some great points.
You’re welcome.