John and Lynn – an unusual couple. She lives with a chronic condition, and he is her caregiver – long-distance. Maybe carer, a term used in other countries, is a better term. Read his honest assessment of how he copes.
John Reader’s The Trucking Monk: Learning to experience God one mile at a time is his blog.
Full disclosure: John is my brother and Lynn his lovely wife.
Life is hard. Life is harder when you’re burdened with a body that hurts and won’t do what you tell it to. Life is frustrating and painful when it’s my wife that’s hurting and I’m thousands of miles away and unable to help. You see, I drive a truck long haul and am gone for weeks at a time, while Lynn is home by herself.
Lynn has what is best described as full body pain. Some days everything hurts; to the point that often she is unable to do normal daily activities. Some days it’s manageable but still painful. And many days it hurts bad, but she pretends that it doesn’t hurt so that I won’t worry. But I do.
One of the ways her pain impacts our lives is that when planning activities, her pain level becomes the top of the list item that drives our choices. Many times, we’ve planned something that we had to cancel because she hurt too much to go. Many (even most) other times, she puts on a brave face and struggles through the pain.
Watching her struggle with the pain I alternate sometimes between compassion and annoyance, between concern and frustration. The good husband part of me aches for her pain and wants to fix it, knowing that is impossible. The selfish little boy part of me wants to throw a tantrum and to just go be like it used to be. I’m pleased to say the good husband wins…usually.
As a trucker, I get home for about 4 days every month or so. We try to pack as much together time and activity into those days as we can. One of my favorite things is planning our home times. Its frustrating when I’ve spent hours planning, making all the things we want to do fit into a short time, only to cancel some or all of it because her pain level is too high. And its just as bad when I end up going to an event alone that I couldn’t miss while she stayed home.
And then comes the guilt. I want so badly to go back to life as it used to be. I desire so much to share my favorite outdoor activities with her, but she’s just not physically able. I forget that she’s hurting and plan too much, then get miffed when plans go awry. Sometimes I push and we do go do whatever the activity is, and she pays for it the next few days with additional pain… that I caused.
We’ve been dealing with this for about 7 years now and we are finally seeing some progress. A little in her own pain management, a lot in how we approach life with pain. She’s learning to heed the signs that tell her she’s at the end of her pain threshold. I’m learning to read her signs that she’s hurting and so to abort the current activity without rancor. I’m learning to consider her pain as I plan our activities. We’re both learning that it’s ok for me to go do things without her on my home time.
Author’s note: I was asked to write this from the perspective of how Lynn’s pain affects me and our lives, so if it sounds self-centered. please forgive me .
More Info
Check out John Reader’s The Trucking Monk.
See “Kudos for Caregivers” to read thanks from dwellers to their caregivers.
Add kudos for your caregiver through the contact page.
This was absolutely beautifully written. I loved how raw, real and honest it was. So full of grace and love. Sending good thoughts to you both!
Thanks from John and Lynn.
I am going to share this with my husband who has been my love and support through chronic illlness for sooo many years. Thank you for your honesty and model of one inspiring marriage in the midst of the hard stuff. May our Lord bless you both!
Glad your husband is a great help to you.
I really appreciate the honesty in this post. It reminds me that I have never asked my husband how it felt to be the caregiver when I was really ill and needed lots of help.
That’s something that’s easy to do. When we feel so horrible and just living takes everything we have, it’s easy to forget how those around us feel. A good reminder for us all: communicate with those close to us.
Great article! Well done John! Love the photos!
Very good photos! Had lots to pick from!
Thanks for sharing your story. Praying for you.
I wanted him to share so others could see how hard caregiving can be, depending on your job. I know they will appreciate your prayers.