Ways to Talk with Invisibly Disabled Family, Friends, and Strangers

Talking with invisibly disabled people is like conversing with anyone else. Mostly. Observer of storms – you without chronic illness – imagine you have a friend or family member with unusual, downright strange, symptoms, but they look just fine. What about strangers? The one with a disabled parking permit who exits their car and walks away or one who doesn’t answer you. These people may well be dwellers – those who live in storms. 

Are there special ways to communicate with them?

Accompanying my pastor-husband to a conference, I attended a breakout seminar for wives. Sitting for an hour is much easier in my wheelchair, so Joe pushed me to the room. When finished, I stood up to visit with friends, forgetting there were women who did not know me. Sure enough, the leader saw me stand and said, “Hallelujah! We just witnessed a miracle, and we didn’t even pray for it!”  Everyone laughed.

What a humorous way to handle an unexpected incident. You cannot always know what people’s abilities are just by looking. So, again. What do you say?

I found this quote from the CDC:

“Disability is part of the human experience, but sometimes people use words or phrases that are insensitive and do not promote understanding, dignity, and respect for people with disabilities.”

So, let’s think about some positive things to say.

Listen

• Actively listen when your friend speaks.
• Have give-and-take conversations.
• If your friend wants to talk about his condition, patiently listen even if your eyes glass over. Set boundaries, if necessary.

Accept

• Believe what your friend says unless you have incontrovertible proof to the contrary.
• Suspend judgment about improbable situations.
• When a stranger exits a car (or wheelchair) and walks away, trust that she really has a problem and is not just gaming the system. Don’t confront the person.

Understand

• Ask if he can help you understand his challenges.
• In a close relationship, ask for more information.
• Research her problems.

Friendships

• Look for common ground
• Get to know strangers and acquaintances to see if friendship might develop.
• Talk about things other than his problems.

Examples

• I’m sorry you can’t go to the restaurant with us. Can I bring you back something?
• Can I pick you up for church Sunday? I know you enjoy going.
• I realize it must have been difficult for you to get to this meeting. I’m glad you could come.
• I do remember that your symptoms are very changeable, so if you need to cancel I won’t be offended.
• I know that your disease has caused you to change, and I’m sure you miss all the old things. But I’m here for you, and I hope I can help.
• You look like you’re feeling down today. Did something new happen? Please let me know how I can help.

In Closing

Think about your words, and how they are perceived by the dweller. But, please, don’t avoid dwellers because you don’t know what to say. They know that you probably mean well and even that you may care for them, so take your time to form relationships. Have an honest conversation with your family member or friend (if the relationship is close enough) about how they feel and what they’d like to hear from you.

Bottom line:

• Listen to your friend or family member.
• Believe what they say (unless you have very compelling evidence otherwise).
• Think about what they’ve been through.
• Try to figure out how they perceive your words.
• Talk accordingly.

Then enjoy your relationship.

What ideas would you add about ways to talk to invisibly disabled people?

See this article for more ideas about good ways to talk with invisibly disabled family, friends, and strangers.

Check out other posts about talking and listening to others.